The deafening music, assaults my ears, someone
just entered this room. They makes no sounds. I can’t smell or see
them. Straining my senses to their limits, I try to get a read on my
buyer. My heart is racing, hammering against my sternum. Trying to
focus on scent, see if I can recognize my buyer, I'm overwhelmed by
the patchouli oil on my skin My stomach is twisted in knots.
Adrenaline floods my system, tensing my muscles, awaiting the need
for fight or flight.
I'm unsure of how much time passes. No words
are spoke, no touch is made. Sitting here on my knees, in this barely
little red outfit, I dare not open up a conversation. Trying not to
fidget or let panic settle completely over me, I wait. This can go
bad in so many ways. I know Jasmine isn’t human, not only humans
play in this bar. How do I let myself get into this shit? I know
better, it isn’t safe for me; yet here I am.
The silence is claustrophobic, crushing my
being, the terror setting in. The muscles in my legs twitch, my
fingers curl into fists, fight or flight, whatever happens I will be
ready. The cloying scent of the oil, suffocating my lungs, nostrils
flaring I scent the room. Still nothing, but the damn oil smell.
“Allya, my little wolf why do you run from
me?” The voice pours over me, warm and rich. Instantly my body
heats. Oh, God. It's him.
I freeze like
a deer in the headlights, my body refusing to obey my instinct to
run. My legs feel like lead, unable to escape, my nightmares come to
fruition.“Come now, my little wolf, I asked you a question. It is a
terrible state when a man has to purchase his mate, just to be able
to talk to her.” Oh God, oh
God. What do I do now?
My body floods with adrenaline, readying for
the ensuing fight. My legs awaken, the blood rushing through them,
fingers twitching. In one swift movement I rip the blindfold off,
quickly assessing my options
ThI hope you enjoy this little snippet.. It has been rewritten at least three times.. so with that being said... yes it probably needs another edit.. and yes it will still probably be different by the time it reaches a publisher.. I hope you enjoy a little peak into my current WIP.
Love always
Chelle
as always you can check out The Black Lily Club here: http://www.amazon.com/The-Black-Lily-Club-ebook/dp/B009QAKV40/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1362578784&sr=8-1&keywords=the+black+lily+club
Hi, dear Chelle,
ReplyDeleteWow, this is very hot. I love the way her trepidation builds and builds until at last, “The voice pours over me, warm and rich.”
I like the way the narrator (“I”) reveal the sounds and feelings, all the while being in the dark. By the time the voice speaks, the reader’s expectations are built to a fever pitch. Very nice!
I hope you won’t mind a bit of a critique.
1...There are several run-on sentences...That’s when two sentences are run together with commas but no period. Each complete thought gets a period.
2...You speak of “someone” being in the room. We assume by the word that it’s one person. And yet you refer to that someone as “they.” It would be scarier and more tingly (and proper) to use the word “he.”
3...Each time there is a new piece of dialogue, that calls for a new paragraph.
I don’t want to pick your writing apart, because you really have a nice excerpt here. Work on getting it very tight, with good grammar. Btw, on my browser, the excerpt comes out black-on-black, I had to cut and paste it into a new document in order to read it. My browser???? Or a glitch on your blog????
Thank you Erin... I attempted to fix the color afraid I might have made it worse.. I appreciate your feed back.. as I am not used to staying in one character's head for an entire chapter.. I am attempting to rewrite this to make it all from her POV... so it is taking a while.. your comments are very helpful.. :)
ReplyDeleteRead and loved this snipit. I like that more of this is coming in as 'her' pov. It tightens it up a bit. Keep working hard girl, it'll be just fine by the time it DOES come into daylight with a publisher. I did too have it come out in black writing on black background, I think it's a glitch in a the blog, as mine is doing the same thing, and why I haven't blogged lately!
ReplyDeleteI tried to fix it lol... I might try it again next blog... dang it... Thanks Piper.. we'll see what happens lol
ReplyDelete